One of the weirder things going on in my life is the saga of The Mysterious Tab Drinker. Yes, that’s right. Someone is drinking that forgotten, terrible diet soda from the ’80s — TAB — in a way that makes me wonder what the heck is going on.
There’s no real logical or professional way to explain this. It JUST IS. It’s a thing in my life, without explanation or meaning. All I can say is that someone, outside my door and in my neighborhood, loves Tab — that ’80s diet soda that tastes like Band-Aids – and wants me to know about it.
All I have to offer is a series of social media posts from the past few years. This is the story of The Mysterious Tab Drinker. Do with it what you will.
October 4, 2013
My wife, Nicole, posted this picture online. At the time, nothing seemed mysterious.This photo was taken on a small, hidden street in Boston near our house and the English High School. It is not a road people travel down, and this spot is on a remote corner above the football field and tennis courts. It is, in truth, nowhere. There are no houses or businesses nearby. There is a gas station and the police station at either end of the street, both several blocks away. In other words, our Tab Drinker is standing alone, on a side street, knocking back several cans of ’80s diet soda.
For a while, The Mysterious Tab Drinker (MTD) was absent. Or maybe they were always there, lurking… and I didn’t know to look for them. It took some time for me to notice. Some extreme weather, a few blizzards to reduce the world to a stark landscape of white.
Here’s a photo I took of my wife in the midst of the worst winter in Boston history.
Just a few days later, this turned up…
Two weeks later, they were back with an impressive Tab display.
Three days later…
A week later…
March 6, 2015
A few days later, and epic display of Tab enthusiasm…
Two weeks later, a double-sighting. First in the morning…
And then that evening, on my way home. In the meantime, my friend and former colleague Bob Siegelman has joined the conversation to say that he has actually seen The Mysterious Tab Drinker in person.
Apparently he hangs out at the nearby subway station — Green Street on the Orange Line — and drinks Tab all day.
As the long Boston winter came to an end, the worst winter in Boston history, so did the story of the Mysterious Tab Drinker. With the end of the cold weather, it appeared that they might be fading into the greenery.
By this point, my friends thought this whole thing was a joke. Sure, a strange Tab-drinking mad-person was running around my neighborhood littering the place with pink cans, but the whole thing was just a joke.
After that, things were quiet. Summer is not a time when the Mysterious Tab Drinker is out, apparently. There weren’t many clues for a long time. My Facebook friends were wondering what was going on, but April ended quietly.
In June, my wife had a brief spotting that raised some hopes, but only briefly.
By late-August, with no sign of Tabby for many months, I was feeling nostalgic.
August 26, 2015
But just as things seemed over, the weather turned colder and MTD came out. At first it was just a tiny glimpse, a little hint of their return. A glorious moment!
Something had changed, though. Our Mysterious Tab Drinker was more bold, no longer hanging out near the tennis courts and football field. They were going to the subway station, making a statement.
AND THEN! AND THEN! AND THEN!
About a month later, my friend Bob — see above for his interest in this mystery — Bob sends me this picture from the escalator at the Green Street train station nearby. Mystery semi-sort-of-solved!!!!!
I mean, I know this guy. I’ve seen him around. Jamaica Plain is a pretty small neighborhood, and someone with such a unique style certainly stands out. Not that I know him, just that…. well, maybe if I’m patient I can meet him…
After the big sighting, the great reveal….
I took almost a month to find any evidence of our Mysterious Tab Drinker. Was Bob even right? Or was this whole thing a mirage?
So now what? The Mysterious Tab Drinker roams the neighborhood. I know his face, and yet I can’t figure out his mysteries.
On New Year’s Eve — I think he was taunting me.
When all was lost…
Categorised as: Rants